My name is Ashley... and I'm a control freak.
There. I said it. I know, I know - this isn't a surprise to some, if not most, people who know me. And honestly, up until recently, it's not even something I gave much thought to, it's just been who/how I am ... but it's started to play into my life and I've realized that some of it could be avoided if I WASN'T such a control freak. There could be a lengthy discussion here over what made me a control freak - was it nature? Nurture? Some wicked combination? Doesn't matter - what I want to focus on is how it is affecting me now and what to do from here.
Being a control freak has its positive points. It's part of what makes me a decent social worker and supervisor. I get stuff done. I am fairly good at organizing events, planning things, etc. I typically have a pretty good command over my emotions - if I lose my shit, it's probably because I've been overly stressed for too long. Or maybe it's over something that I think is one of the most important things in my life. Most of the time, though, I can separate and compartmentalize what I need to in order to function. Anyway, other positives... Just the feeling of being in control is a positive. (To me, anyway.) It just feels good to (maybe pretend) that your life is in order and things are okay.
But, oh, the negatives. They've been showing themselves in full force to me lately, and since I CAN'T control it, I really, really hate it. It has truly been a time of introspection and attempts at growth and challenges. New things are hard for me, and this is a new thing. Wanting to kinda delve into this, the "why" and the "do I want to change this" is a new thing. I can't control what will happen in a new situation or with new people. This makes it hard to trust people, because I can't control what they do with information I tell them and what if they hurt me and OMG - trusting someone is a total lack of control. My job - it's a little out of control right now. And even when it's not, trying to keep five people happy/employed/motivated and manage their stress and their caseloads and my area - it's sometimes exhausting. I can't just leave things alone, in any area of my life, but definitely at work. Things are happening in the lives of people I love dearly, horribly sad, unimaginable things - I have no control over those. Some people can just accept that - but a control freak, or at least my particular brand of control freak, feels helpless and desperate for an answer to try to fix things. And last, I've found that when you can't control your emotions, it becomes a cause for a slight/moderate/severe freak-out.
Moving on... if admitting you have a problem is the first step, I think I'm there. Where to go from here is the next question. I think I would like to "let go" of some of my control issues, but that's scary. So - I'm not making big, grand, general promises - only specific ones in situations that need it - but bear with me. Give me time to adapt. I've lived a long time as a control freak, and it's not something easily surrendered.
