I honestly don't even know how to start this post or how to write it in a way that makes sense. I guess maybe that is fitting - the last year has had a lot of that... no right words. The inability to make sense of a tragedy.
One year ago, the unthinkable happened. People say that a lot... "this is the last thing I imagined happening." When I got a phone call last December 4, even though I knew something was wrong by the way my dad left me a voicemail, I never, not in a million years, imagined that the news waiting for me was that one of my cousins had died. Other thoughts flew through my brain, and the way your mind tries to prepare itself for bad news is weird - it offered me zero protection for what I was told, because in no universe would my brain ever go THERE. It was, and still is, an impossible situation to comprehend.
Over the past year, I have witnessed and experienced my family fall apart and come together in ways that, honestly, I wish I never had to see. Yes - it is great and amazing that "I love you" is said more and hugs are given more ... but at this cost? I know these things are the shiny, should-have-been-doing-this-all-along moments that come out of senseless tragedy and I'm thankful for those and know they are important. I'm endlessly amazed at the resiliency and strength of my family. Of my aunt and uncle and Jake's sisters especially. Of my grandparents. Of my parents and my other aunts and uncles, who wordlessly and without considering any alternative, did what needed to be done to get everyone through. I was/am floored by the outpouring of love from the community.
Jake. Many people knew Jake better than me - over a decade separated us. But I know this - he was always kind. Patient with his cousins. His smile... the best. And the smirk he had when someone, usually an uncle, gave him a hard time, was classic. He was so, so loved. I have talked to several people over the past year who have a story about Jake and it is always, always something along the lines of... "he was a great kid" or "he was one of my best friends." Teachers, friends, parents of his classmates, everyone has something about Jake that reinforces the amazing, lovable guy he is.
I know from experience and from learning/teaching about grief and loss and trauma that the anniversaries of dates like today and big days like holidays and birthdays stir up the feelings of the actual event. I know that especially this first year is so hard. It's really hard when something tragic happens during what is supposed to be a happy time of the year. I also know that I - and my brother and sister and cousins - are really lucky to have the family we do; the tight-knit group, full of love and memories and support we belong to is really just amazing. Not everyone can say that and not every family could survive something like this. Anyone looking in can see that it wasn't and hasn't been easy. So please, keep my family in your thoughts this week. Keep Jake in your thoughts. Honor and remember the truly special person he is.
