Discernment & Decisions & Questions

This post has been on my mind almost constantly for the better part of two months, but in looking and thinking back, it has been residing in me for quite some time.

I make decisions all day at work. Is this home appropriate; is this placement safe; what's the right response in this situation; prioritizing issues and tasks... all. day. I'm responsible for other people and their decisions - and for the people those people are responsible for, too. At work, I consider myself a very decisive person. I'm good at making decisions under pressure. I'm good at discerning what needs to happen in situations.

When I come home, I don't want to make decisions. I don't want to decide what to have for dinner or where to go or which load of laundry to do. (My friends will tell you that I do not make food-related decisions... ever.)

One decision I have made recently is that I don't WANT to be a non-decision-maker in my personal life. I don't want to sit by while life happens around or to me. So on my journey of writing and discovering and figuring out my wants and needs and whys - this is something I'm actively working on.

One challenge I didn't anticipate is that discernment is really hard sometimes. How do I know if something is what *I* want or if it is actually the right thing for me? How do you make a hard decision knowing it is painful (for yourself or others), but right? What role do dreams play in guiding us in making decisions? I recently asked a friend - do you think God speaks to us through dreams? If dreams do play a role in guiding us in decision-making, what if there are factors - other people or situations - involved? We obviously can't control others based on a dream and many situations are influenced by external factors.

I don't have all (honestly, I don't any) answers to these questions, so please comment if you have thoughts. The more I think about writing and consistently using this blog, the more I feel it's going to involve a lot of questions that I'd love feedback on.

#discernment #selfdiscovery

Why Are You The Way That You Are?

So this is what I've been thinking about a lot lately. The GIF is funny and just because I love The Office, but in all seriousness, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection and trying to explore the "why" behind the things I do and believe and want and need. Writing helps get all of that worked out and I know from experience that reading other people's thoughts and ideas helps us feel less alone/weird about our "stuff" so my plan is to write it in this space to get feedback and foster community. The sociologist in me is a big believer in discovery and trying to make some sense of things.

The things I want to write about are questions/topics I've thought about on my own as well as writing prompts from other people or resources. I want to start on a positive note and my first question is also a "living document" type of topic so I can come back to it whenever I want.

- my favorite things in life are...

• Raegan and Jaxson - watching them grow and change and turn in to pretty amazing little humans
• books
• flamingos in any way, shape, or form
• a really great pen
• laughing with my friends
• the people who support me - even when that means giving me a hard look at truth I maybe don't want to see
• old school worship music
• 80s-early 2000s country music
• Chris Stapleton music
• okay, music in general - it makes me feel all the feels and makes me happy 
• delicious coffee
• funny TV shows 
• the Christmas season

#selfdiscovery #favoritethings 

30 Days [4]

Skipping day 3 for now.

List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could.

1. Study more. Read more.
2. Don't quit nursing school!
3. Not everything happens for a reason. Don't go crazy looking for the silver lining.
4. Never say you'll never do something... because you just might.
5. Have more fun. But still don't date until college. :)
6. Don't ever let anyone or anything steal the confidence you have right now.
7. Keep helping people, even when others say it's not the right thing to do.
8. Watch and be amazed at how some of your friendships change, but get better.
9. Start liking exercise. You'll wish you did later.
10. Keep seeing the best in people, even when it ends in disappointment.

30 Days [2]

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and how they became fears.

I don't remember all three I put last time, but I know number one was on the list. Number three is pretty personal, so I know it's a risk to put out there, but there's no sense in writing without being vulnerable.

1 - losing one of my kids. It's a horror I can't fully comprehend, but I do know I've had more experiences related to this fear since the last time I answered this question and I'm almost obsessive about it.

2 - clowns. I just don't like them, they're creepy and weird.

3 - I can't think of another specific fear, but I have a lot of anxiety about ... well, basically everything. Being left, not doing a good enough job, making wrong decisions, finding out I can't trust people I thought I could... I'm not entirely sure when this switch happened because I used to be super (maybe overly) confident. Probably the first time I really remember feeling this was around the end of my junior year of college, when a relationship (and much, much longer friendship) ended, that I didn't expect. It skewed my view on a lot of things - and I don't know that I ever effectively dealt with all of the mess that went along with it. I'm still confident in most things, most of the time, but I do clearly recall a time in my life where I didn't have a care in the world and things just seemed a lot easier. I'm working on getting back to that version of me.

30 Days [1]

[1] list 20 random facts about yourself

1. I love flamingos!
2. I have the smartest and funniest children 😍
3. My favorite TV show is "The Golden Girls."
4. I love onion rings but can't stand onions in any other form.
5. My dream job is to be a flight nurse.
6. I really wish I was musically talented.
7. I could eat Mexican food every day!
8. I LOVE reading but don't make enough time for it anymore and need to start doing that.
9. I almost always believe the best in people, even when it's to my detriment.
10. It takes a LOT for me to be just completely done with something/someone, but when I've reached that point, there is no turning back. I'll forgive and move on.
11. I hate clowns. A lot.
12. I want to become fluent in sign language.
13. My second dream job is to start my own non-profit to do research in child welfare.
14. If I won the lottery, I would still work, but on my own terms.
15. I joke about not liking people a lot, but I fiercely love my tribe. My family, "chosen family," and few close friends are the most important part of my life.
16. I am a major introvert. I like being alone, but not being lonely.
17. I have a borderline obsession with personality tests and learning about personality types.
18. I want to get tattoos to honor each of my grandparents who have passed - my grandpa Hummer's Army 71st Infantry symbol, grandma's handwriting that says "I love you," and a bomber for grandpa Jim.
19. I've had the same best friend since first grade. That's 28 years!!
20. I love playing card games with my family!

30 Days, again

I am THE WORST with writing. I need to, I want to, I have so much in my head all the time that it needs to come out somehow. Knowing I do better with a list, I decided to do 30 Things in 30 Days again. I did this five years ago and so much has changed since then ... I think it will be interesting to compare some of the answers.
For tonight, since I have to be up in 5.5 hours, just the list is getting posted. :)

1. List 20 random facts about yourself. 
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears. 
3. Describe your relationship with your parents. 
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could. 
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now? 
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced? 
7. What is your dream job, and why? 
8. What are 5 passions you have? 
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how. 
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment. 
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have. 
12. Describe a typical day in your current life. 
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have. 
14. Describe 5 strengths you have. 
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why? 
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments? 
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at? 
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive? 
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why? 
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood. 
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first? 
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? 
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them. 
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now. 
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong? 
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why? 
28. What is your love language? 
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you? 
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for. 

Bittersweet

Eight years. What can be said about the past eight years of my life? It's a longer time frame than anything I've been involved in to this point... and tomorrow, it comes to an end. 

Tomorrow is a day that I have thought about often over the past several years. For most of that time, I never thought about it as an actual possibility and never thought I would want it. Other times, I wanted it more than anything. A few (very scary) times I thought it would be forced on me, against my will. But now it's here, and I have been bouncing between emotions like a maniac. Happy and excited; scared and sad; nervous, anxious, anticipating. Tonight, I really cried about leaving for the first time. I can't tell you how hard it is to leave, yet how excited I am about something new and different.

Over the past eight years, I have been a Resource Family Worker, a Resource Family Supervisor, and most recently, a Foster Care Supervisor (that's a lot of new business cards!). I have written more logs and reports than I could count. I've held babies, supported foster families, loved kids, transported kids, moved kids, been to court, sat through countless meetings, had a cat hump my leg (traumatizing, I'm telling you), laughed, cried, shared necessary and probably inappropriate humor with my coworkers, recruited, trained, licensed, been trained, learned how to respectfully put someone in their place, earned my Master's degree, thought I was being let go, had to let others go, sat in the hospital and doctor's office with sick kids, and been through more changes than I ever thought I could survive. But I did. 

I have worked for one company, under one supervisor/director, for my entire post-college-adult-grownup life. Without being too sappy, because neither of us like that, she taught me how to be a good social worker. A good coworker. A good supervisor - how to support my staff and keep my expectations high and just be there for the people I work with. Most importantly, she's been a great supporter and friend. I have met and gotten to know some of the best people in the world. Foster parents I have worked with, children they've taken lovingly and diligently care for, will be forever etched in my mind and on my heart. The vast majority of foster parents have hearts the size of the universe. Especially recently, foster parenting has had a shadow cast over it, but from experience I can tell you that foster parents are GOOD people. They provide something that many of us will not or cannot do. As with any job, you grow closer to some than others - they ask about my kids, my life, offer dinner or cinnamon rolls during visits... And the kids - some of those kids just melt your heart and give you the feeling that you would take them all home if you could. My coworkers - honestly I can't even think about leaving them without ugly crying, which nobody wants to see - these people are THE BEST. Until you've done this work, you have no idea how much of yourself gets caught up in it, and the people I work with (and those I've worked with in the past) lay it all on the line. You have no idea how much you depend on the others who do what you do to get you through the rough times - they get it in a way that nobody else can. My current crew - Devin, Lora, Bitty, Christine, Toletha, Monica, Jennifer... amazing, flexible, resilient, awesome people and great friends. I could list countless others who influenced and shaped and taught me, and tell you all the amazing things about them, but the internet would implode. You know who you are, and I thank you for everything. 

So, for reasons both professional and personal, I am leaving this behind to start a new adventure. Still in social work, but on the opposite end of the age spectrum. Tomorrow, I will go into my office as an employee for the last time. Turn in my badge and cell phone (I will NOT miss that ringtone) and laptop. Grab what little I have left at the office (it was a multiple-box job packing up). Next Tuesday, I will start over, taking the knowledge and resilience and adaptability I've learned over the past eight years, and hope that my new career leaves as much as an impact as this one.