Remembering Jake

I honestly don't even know how to start this post or how to write it in a way that makes sense. I guess maybe that is fitting - the last year has had a lot of that... no right words. The inability to make sense of a tragedy.

One year ago, the unthinkable happened. People say that a lot... "this is the last thing I imagined happening." When I got a phone call last December 4, even though I knew something was wrong by the way my dad left me a voicemail, I never, not in a million years, imagined that the news waiting for me was that one of my cousins had died. Other thoughts flew through my brain, and the way your mind tries to prepare itself for bad news is weird - it offered me zero protection for what I was told, because in no universe would my brain ever go THERE. It was, and still is, an impossible situation to comprehend.

Over the past year, I have witnessed and experienced my family fall apart and come together in ways that, honestly, I wish I never had to see. Yes - it is great and amazing that "I love you" is said more and hugs are given more ... but at this cost? I know these things are the shiny, should-have-been-doing-this-all-along moments that come out of senseless tragedy and I'm thankful for those and know they are important. I'm endlessly amazed at the resiliency and strength of my family. Of my aunt and uncle and Jake's sisters especially. Of my grandparents. Of my parents and my other aunts and uncles, who wordlessly and without considering any alternative, did what needed to be done to get everyone through. I was/am floored by the outpouring of love from the community.

Jake. Many people knew Jake better than me - over a decade separated us. But I know this - he was always kind. Patient with his cousins. His smile... the best. And the smirk he had when someone, usually an uncle, gave him a hard time, was classic. He was so, so loved. I have talked to several people over the past year who have a story about Jake and it is always, always something along the lines of... "he was a great kid" or "he was one of my best friends." Teachers, friends, parents of his classmates, everyone has something about Jake that reinforces the amazing, lovable guy he is.

I know from experience and from learning/teaching about grief and loss and trauma that the anniversaries of dates like today and big days like holidays and birthdays stir up the feelings of the actual event. I know that especially this first year is so hard. It's really hard when something tragic happens during what is supposed to be a happy time of the year. I also know that I - and my brother and sister and cousins - are really lucky to have the family we do; the tight-knit group, full of love and memories and support we belong to is really just amazing. Not everyone can say that and not every family could survive something like this. Anyone looking in can see that it wasn't and hasn't been easy. So please, keep my family in your thoughts this week. Keep Jake in your thoughts. Honor and remember the truly special person he is.

Wednesday Confession.

My name is Ashley... and I'm a control freak.

There. I said it. I know, I know - this isn't a surprise to some, if not most, people who know me. And honestly, up until recently, it's not even something I gave much thought to, it's just been who/how I am ... but it's started to play into my life and I've realized that some of it could be avoided if I WASN'T such a control freak. There could be a lengthy discussion here over what made me a control freak - was it nature? Nurture? Some wicked combination? Doesn't matter - what I want to focus on is how it is affecting me now and what to do from here.

Being a control freak has its positive points. It's part of what makes me a decent social worker and supervisor. I get stuff done. I am fairly good at organizing events, planning things, etc. I typically have a pretty good command over my emotions - if I lose my shit, it's probably because I've been overly stressed for too long. Or maybe it's over something that I think is one of the most important things in my life. Most of the time, though, I can separate and compartmentalize what I need to in order to function. Anyway, other positives... Just the feeling of being in control is a positive. (To me, anyway.) It just feels good to (maybe pretend) that your life is in order and things are okay.

But, oh, the negatives. They've been showing themselves in full force to me lately, and since I CAN'T control it, I really, really hate it. It has truly been a time of introspection and attempts at growth and challenges. New things are hard for me, and this is a new thing. Wanting to kinda delve into this, the "why" and the "do I want to change this" is a new thing. I can't control what will happen in a new situation or with new people. This makes it hard to trust people, because I can't control what they do with information I tell them and what if they hurt me and OMG - trusting someone is a total lack of control. My job - it's a little out of control right now. And even when it's not, trying to keep five people happy/employed/motivated and manage their stress and their caseloads and my area - it's sometimes exhausting. I can't just leave things alone, in any area of my life, but definitely at work. Things are happening in the lives of people I love dearly, horribly sad, unimaginable things - I have no control over those. Some people can just accept that - but a control freak, or at least my particular brand of control freak, feels helpless and desperate for an answer to try to fix things. And last, I've found that when you can't control your emotions, it becomes a cause for a slight/moderate/severe freak-out.

Moving on... if admitting you have a problem is the first step, I think I'm there. Where to go from here is the next question. I think I would like to "let go" of some of my control issues, but that's scary. So - I'm not making big, grand, general promises - only specific ones in situations that need it - but bear with me. Give me time to adapt. I've lived a long time as a control freak, and it's not something easily surrendered.

Before 30 Bucket List

Unlike some people I know (*cough*Devin Eccles*cough*) I don't believe 30 is ten years away from death, but there ARE some things I'd like to do before I start life in my 30s. I have 364 days to do those things... and here they are.

* See baseball games in at least two stadiums I've never been in. (A step toward my total bucket list goal of seeing a game at every stadium.)

* Travel to a city I've never visited.

* Take the kids on a vacation.

* Read at least 50 new-to-me books. (The counting starts today. I'm reading "Shine Shine Shine" by Lydia Netzer at the moment... and it's weird. I might have to back-burner this one to get started on this goal!)

* Write two blog posts per week, but will be happy with one.

* Find a meaningful, logistical way to volunteer my time/talents (I have no treasure!) to the community.

Soapbox

Please read this article before enjoying/hating my thoughts and opinions on the topic.

I am, as it turns out, "a millennial." I did not know that before reading this article, which I stumbled across on Facebook, posted by a sweet friend from high school.

I knew this before reading this article - cue step up onto the soapbox - right now, Christians are their own worst enemy. DC Talk knew this a long time ago, when they started the song "What If I Stumble" with the spoken intro, "The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and then walk out the door, denying Him by their lifestyle. And that is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

I knew this - that being a Christian is hard. Being someone in this generation is hard. Trying to reconcile those two things is really hard. We have memories of life before cell phones and computers, when things for most of us were really pretty simple - and that's not life now. My kids... well, Jax can work the iPad already. With all of this information and technology and just life being thrown at us, we want something tangible. Something real. Something that makes sense, but that we can question.

The problem, in my mind and I'm certain I'm not alone on this, based on the article and the research attached, is that something is missing. And what I keep coming back to is this - Christianity is a relationship. Not a book of rules. Not a band on stage or a dynamic preacher moving people to tears. Rules are necessary, yes. The music and the preaching, too. But nobody is talking about that. Yes, "having a relationship with Jesus" is talked about. But it's more than that. You can talk to Jesus, pray, listen all day long. You can read your Bible daily, go to a church service or meeting every night. And you can still look like everyone else on the outside.

What I want and need - and again, I can't be alone in this - is for Christians to take that relationship OUTSIDE of the church. Take what Jesus was about - that relationship - and apply it to the people you don't agree with, maybe don't like, those who worship differently, in a different church, or a different religion entirely. Taking "love your neighbor" and applying it to, say, people on welfare. People with addictions or mental health issues or a past you don't understand. 

I cannot possible say it better than the above article did (emphasis added by me):

What millennials really want from the church is not a change in style but a change in substance.

We want an end to the culture wars. We want a truce between science and faith. We want to be known for what we stand for, not what we are against.

We want to ask questions that don’t have predetermined answers.

We want churches that emphasize an allegiance to the kingdom of God over an allegiance to a single political party or a single nation.

We want our LGBT friends to feel truly welcome in our faith communities.

We want to be challenged to live lives of holiness, not only when it comes to sex, but also when it comes to living simply, caring for the poor and oppressed, pursuing reconciliation, engaging in creation care and becoming peacemakers.

It's not enough to have a great band, an energetic pastor, or friendly greeters... the church has to preach and teach how to connect with others... and help us find the answers to the questions we have. There has to be compassion, there has to be some wiggle room, there has to be a place for it to be acceptable to have friends who are different in any and every possible way. We need a place where loving Jesus can equal loving a church - because right now, for a lot of people I know personally, that is the problem - the people who make up the church make Jesus/religion/Christianity look really unappealing. There aren't enough people saying, "That's not my Christianity" and showing others what we believe Jesus is REALLY about. 

Step off soapbox. 

Missing You {Monday Ramble #2}

When I was in high school, I met Cortney at a FCA camp. We instantly became friends, then we stayed friends for years, even though we lived on opposite sides of the state and very, very rarely saw one another. We talked through MSN Messenger (seriously), email, texts, with the occasional random phone call thrown in when we had really big news. It was a friendship built on honesty... laughter... and brutal sharing of opinions. We could go weeks with very little contact and pick back up exactly where we left off. We could have hundreds of texts in a two day time span. It was just that type of friendship.

When we DID get together - random meetings in KC after doctors' appointments, her bachelorette party and wedding, a crazy spring break trip, my baby shower - we had TOO much fun. Cortney had a sense for adventure and knew about all the craziest places. We were never short on conversation.

I was in the hospital, when Raegan was born, when I found out Cortney was really sick. Her mom told me. I hadn't talked to her in a few days. Wondered why she hadn't answered my texts. I think she was excited about the baby - even though we had discussed how I was NEVER "pushing a watermelon through a hole the size of a grape" and how the only kids I was having would be as her surrogate. Then a few days later, her husband called to tell me they were removing her from life support...

Raegan was still a tiny, tiny newborn when Cortney passed away. I didn't get to go to her funeral. I've always thought funerals were more for those of us left living - and I think that's even more true after this. There's no closure. It took a long time to not pick up the phone and text her. Her number got transferred over to my new phones for the next two years... manually. I'm trying to make plans to go see her burial site.

So, friend... I miss you. I could use some brutal honesty right now and some sarcastic comments about everything in our lives. The last 3.5 years haven't been the same.

Monday Ramble #1 (Last Weekend)

Here's a breakdown of the past weekend by numbers:

21 - stickers it took Raegan to earn her trip to the zoo
9 - people who went on the zoo trip... 5 adults, and Jax still managed to run into a fake campsite

9 - chigger bites on my feet and legs... plus one on my finger and one on my FACE. Ew.
0 - chigger bites the kids got. Yay!
20 - packs of fruit snacks consumed in two days
1 - ugly llama fed by four brave kids at the zoo

2 - plastic swimming pools bought to entertain the kids

20 (or so) - smoke bombs set off to make the kids happy
1 - number of times Lacey tried to light more than one smoke bomb at a time
3 - different parks played at over the course of three days

4 - amazing, beautiful, high-energy, loud, fun kids... who are going to have a well-documented summer/year if the past weekend was any indication ...

Thankful Tuesday #2

Today... I'm thankful for ...

A great weekend with my best friend... her family... and our other good friends. Just having fun.

As always, my gorgeous and amazing kids.

That I developed a love for reading at an early age. I love books. :)

The grandma who taught me to read when I was little.

That work has slowed down, calmed down, our office is organized... even though the slowness makes me nervous! Oh, and that we have real internet at the office now! I never fully appreciated it until after trying to run four laptops off a Mifi for a week.

Being appreciated by people who matter to me.

People who truly care about other people.

Thankful Tuesday #1

In an effort to kick-start this blog and give it some sort of direction, I'm going to try to match up each day of the week (probably four-ish days/week) with a certain type of post. I've got the Thursday Rant down. And Fabulous Friday. Tuesdays are going to be my "thanksgiving" day - a list of things I'm thankful for that particular day. The rest you'll just have to anxiously await. :)

So today, in no particular order, I am thankful for...
* Two beautiful, healthy, smart, funny kids.
* People who still love me when I'm definitely NOT being lovable. Especially when they're not required to.
* That we got a printer/copier/scanner at work, even though it doesn't work yet.
* That I wasn't left for dead by the printer/copier/scanner delivery men when I let them in the old office to see if the old copier was there for them to take. (It wasn't, in case you're curious.)
* Raegan's BFF Anna and her mom/my good friend, Sherry.
* That our office is finally starting to come together. My amazing staff, who have taken the transition and new-office-craziness and my disconnect from work due to those things in stride. And a boss who makes sharing an office tolerable. I won't say good, because we're only one day in, but my attitude about it has definitely improved.

Fabulous Friday

Friday is going to be my "happy post" day - and what better week to start it than when my happy post goes right along with my Thursday rant? How can this be, you ask? Because while my job does kinda suck right now, I have some amazing/crazy/fun co-supervisors and we have a pretty badass fearless leader.

The agenda for our sups meeting today had approximately 538 items. About two of them were happy. Yet somehow, I came away from the meeting/day feeling a lot better about my job. More overwhelmed. Definitely more stressed out. Added several things to my to-do list. But overall, it was a great day. A good meeting with fun people. It sounds cheesy, I know - but even, or maybe especially, in crappy times, it is really, really nice to be able to come away feeling good.

I don't have much to compare it to - seven years is the longest commitment I've ever made to anything, let alone a job. I've worked at the same agency, in the same department, my entire "adult"/post-college life. I have even had the same supervisor the entire time. I've loved and hated the job (and my boss - just kidding!) during the last seven years... wanted to scream, cry, quit... but I know what I do makes a difference. And I know a big part of that is the people I'm surrounded by - my crew, my co-sups, and my boss make the bad days easier and the fun times WAY better.

So, fools - here's to you.

Thursday Rant (a day late)

I've been thinking about this Thursday Rant for two weeks... and have been dealing with it for much longer than that. 

I. Hate. Change.

I also hate surprises, which I maybe consider a type of change, but that's a completely different rant.

Anyway - change is not my friend. Maybe I should say I suck at dealing with change, which would be really self-reflective and honest. So what do I do when confronted with change? Here's a brief rundown, with a completely hypothetical (or not) situation. 

1. Deny it's happening. (New office? Nope. Not happening. This girl is going NOWHERE.)

2. Complain about it. (Whyyyyy??? whhhhyyyy??)

3. Talk about it incessantly. (blah, blah, blah - my apologies to anyone who has had to be around me for the last few months.)

4. Procrastinate. (We're moving in 9 days? Oh, I don't need to pack seven years' worth of crap yet. I have time.) 

I don't have time. In nine days, some movers are going to cart SEVEN YEARS of my life across town. I haven't even looked at some of the stuff in my desk in probably three years, but I'm pretty sure it is all super important. And given that I'm a work hoarder and throw away pretty much nothing, sorting through it over the next week is going to be a chore. Not to mention all my personal belongings that I have scattered around my office... some of which aren't going to fit. If anyone has a method for picking which picture of your kids to hang up in your office (because there are about six of each of them currently)... let me know. I have Thursday blocked off for packing. 

Thursday Rant: "-ists"

At some point, I had decided I want this blog to be about happy things - positive things - but then I decided that's not real life. Sometimes, things suck. People suck. So, on Thursdays, I'm going to rant about those things. (I'll pick another day to post happy things to even it out.)

On this particular Thursday, my rant is about "-ists" - I absolutely cannot stand when people are sexist, racist, etc. This includes people who are judge-y to others because they think their own political views are superior, or their religion or lack thereof is superior, or people who shove their beliefs down others' throats.

Why are we still talking about issues of race or gender or sexual orientation or political party or religious affiliation? I think it's depressing that my kids are growing up in a world where it has to be said that people are equal. Shouldn't that be understood by now? To me, it's pretty simple. Every person needs and wants the same things - acceptance. Tolerance. Love. Understanding. Friendship. (Let me tell you one of my faults - when something is so clear and easy to me, I have a hard time figuring out why other people can't see it.) If my children learn nothing else from me, I want it to be this: we are ALL equal.

Male, female, transgender, black, white, Asian, Hispanic, Republican, Democrat, Independent, gay, straight, Catholic, Baptist, Muslim, atheist, independently wealthy, welfare recipient, CEO, unemployed - these are just labels for PEOPLE. Human beings. None of these things are inherently bad or wrong. Are some of them different than me or you? Yes. But should someone be persecuted or devalued because of that? Absolutely not. I don't have the same views or beliefs of a lot of the labels listed above, but that doesn't mean I should not care for those people or value them or should deny them. It's time to realize that everyone has something to bring to the table, that nobody is more or less important or more or less deserving of basic rights because of "who" or "what" they are.

Rant over.

I Suck.

At blogging, anyway.

I have a lot of opinions about things, stuff to say, etc... but I'm not sure that anyone really cares. So where does this blog go?

Thankfulness is always a good one... so here are three things I'm super thankful for right now.

Hoping to add a pic of Kauffman Stadium soon!