Before 30 Bucket List *update*

Last year I posted a list of things I wanted to do before I turn 30... this is just an update of where I'm at with those. (Spoiler alert - I have a LOT of work to do in the next 6 months and 3 days!)

* See baseball games in at least two stadiums I've never been in. (A step toward my total bucket list goal of seeing a game at every stadium.)

This one is probably not going to happen, unless I count minor league, but that does not help my lifelong bucket list goal! I have zero plans to go anywhere that is home to a MLB team that I haven't seen this year and currently do not have the funds to plan such a trip.

* Travel to a city I've never visited.

This one WILL be happening! Several times over, in fact. The plan, if all goes well, is to drive to Las Vegas later this year. I'll see FIVE states I've never been in (Colorado, Utah, New Mexico, Arizona, and Texas) with short stops in a few major places just to say I've been there. Sidenote: I recently found out that there is an In-N-Out Burger in Vegas, and along with seeing my bestest friend (obviously) and a Margaritaville margarita, these are my only goals to accomplish while there! 

* Take the kids on a vacation.

Again, YES! I was responsible with my income tax return (bills and new clothes for the kids - a decent amount in both quantity of items and amount spent unlike my spending on their fall clothes last year) but I did treat us to season passes to Silver Dollar City and we're making our first trip in March. The kids have been before, but Jax doesn't remember it at all and Raegan was pretty young, so I'm really excited to share what was one of the best parts of my childhood with them! 

* Read at least 50 new-to-me books. (The counting starts today. I'm reading "Shine Shine Shine" by Lydia Netzer at the moment... and it's weird. I might have to back-burner this one to get started on this goal!)

Read 50 new books... I definitely have a book list going but with significantly less time to read these days, I'm not sure I'll get to 50. I am planning another post on my book list. (My current "read since September" total is at an embarrassingly low 8 new-to-me books. I have re-read others in that timeframe but I'm not counting those.) I have 38 more on my list and welcome any suggestions. :)

* Write two blog posts per week, but will be happy with one.

Clearly I have sucked at keeping up this blog. 

* Find a meaningful, logistical way to volunteer my time/talents (I have no treasure!) to the community.

My original plan was to get involved with Headquarters in Lawrence, which is a national calling center for suicide prevention. The training is INTENSE - hours every Sunday for several weeks following an extensive two-day training session, and with my schedule with the kids, it just wasn't feasible. I haven't found another option yet... so again, taking suggestions.

Unplugged

It was pointed out to me recently - and to be fair, not-so-recently and long ago and even before THAT - but it was acknowledged recently, that I have a problem being fully present when I'm with people. This little tidbit was stated in anger wrapped in love, by someone whose opinion I value immensely and who is one of the most important people in my life. And even though it had been said before - for some reason, maybe the presentation or maybe it was just the right time for me to LISTEN to what was said instead of just hearing it - it sank in this time.

I don't have a hard time with introspection or seeing my flaws for what they are - I do, however, have a terrible track record with handling criticism of my personal shortcomings from others. Hence why it took awhile for me to understand that I actually do have an issue with this. I also have a problem with feeling disconnected - I think that's pretty common for people these days - the total freak-out-meltdown-complete worry that comes with not being able to get in touch with someone immediately or sooner. I worry that if I don't answer my phone or text I will miss an important call (someone died! someone needs help! something's wrong! - never worry that I'll miss out on something GOOD, apparently) and the world might come screeching to a halt. Anyway, the two tie together and I feel the need to immediately answer any text or phone call that comes through.

So. I don't believe there's any good in acknowledging a problem or apologizing for it if you have no intention of at least attempting to fix it. I've been working on being more present - but know there is still room for improvement. Since all of my other resolutions (give up pop! give up sweets! lose weight and fit into a bridesmaid dress is four months!) have fallen by the wayside... THIS is my hurdle to jump. I am a type of person who needs an official start date for these things and have set March 1 as the launch date. I also have to have "action steps" to really get myself going with something, so here they are:
1 - when I'm with my kids on weeknights after work, my phone/computer is pretty much off limits. Work will be the only conflicting issue here (and with basically everything else) but since I only have to be on call once every 8 weeks or so, it's not a huge deal. So if you need me before about 830p on weeknights... well, too bad.
2 - when I'm with friends/loved ones and we are intentionally spending time together, texts/calls/Facebook will wait. (those times when people are sitting around because they just have happened to land at the same place for the time being are obviously going to be flexible - ex: my sister and I at my gmas and she's on the computer and gma is watching TV...) I'm talking about putting my phone on the back burner during quality time with people.

I've been trying to practice these things even though it's not March 1 yet - and I will tell you, it's not as hard as I thought it would be. My kids notice. I've gotten positive feedback from others. It's a throwback to the "good ol' days" when you had to wait to get home and check the answering machine to know if someone had called you! Very retro. And most importantly, it puts my focus where it should be.

Remembering Jake

I honestly don't even know how to start this post or how to write it in a way that makes sense. I guess maybe that is fitting - the last year has had a lot of that... no right words. The inability to make sense of a tragedy.

One year ago, the unthinkable happened. People say that a lot... "this is the last thing I imagined happening." When I got a phone call last December 4, even though I knew something was wrong by the way my dad left me a voicemail, I never, not in a million years, imagined that the news waiting for me was that one of my cousins had died. Other thoughts flew through my brain, and the way your mind tries to prepare itself for bad news is weird - it offered me zero protection for what I was told, because in no universe would my brain ever go THERE. It was, and still is, an impossible situation to comprehend.

Over the past year, I have witnessed and experienced my family fall apart and come together in ways that, honestly, I wish I never had to see. Yes - it is great and amazing that "I love you" is said more and hugs are given more ... but at this cost? I know these things are the shiny, should-have-been-doing-this-all-along moments that come out of senseless tragedy and I'm thankful for those and know they are important. I'm endlessly amazed at the resiliency and strength of my family. Of my aunt and uncle and Jake's sisters especially. Of my grandparents. Of my parents and my other aunts and uncles, who wordlessly and without considering any alternative, did what needed to be done to get everyone through. I was/am floored by the outpouring of love from the community.

Jake. Many people knew Jake better than me - over a decade separated us. But I know this - he was always kind. Patient with his cousins. His smile... the best. And the smirk he had when someone, usually an uncle, gave him a hard time, was classic. He was so, so loved. I have talked to several people over the past year who have a story about Jake and it is always, always something along the lines of... "he was a great kid" or "he was one of my best friends." Teachers, friends, parents of his classmates, everyone has something about Jake that reinforces the amazing, lovable guy he is.

I know from experience and from learning/teaching about grief and loss and trauma that the anniversaries of dates like today and big days like holidays and birthdays stir up the feelings of the actual event. I know that especially this first year is so hard. It's really hard when something tragic happens during what is supposed to be a happy time of the year. I also know that I - and my brother and sister and cousins - are really lucky to have the family we do; the tight-knit group, full of love and memories and support we belong to is really just amazing. Not everyone can say that and not every family could survive something like this. Anyone looking in can see that it wasn't and hasn't been easy. So please, keep my family in your thoughts this week. Keep Jake in your thoughts. Honor and remember the truly special person he is.

Wednesday Confession.

My name is Ashley... and I'm a control freak.

There. I said it. I know, I know - this isn't a surprise to some, if not most, people who know me. And honestly, up until recently, it's not even something I gave much thought to, it's just been who/how I am ... but it's started to play into my life and I've realized that some of it could be avoided if I WASN'T such a control freak. There could be a lengthy discussion here over what made me a control freak - was it nature? Nurture? Some wicked combination? Doesn't matter - what I want to focus on is how it is affecting me now and what to do from here.

Being a control freak has its positive points. It's part of what makes me a decent social worker and supervisor. I get stuff done. I am fairly good at organizing events, planning things, etc. I typically have a pretty good command over my emotions - if I lose my shit, it's probably because I've been overly stressed for too long. Or maybe it's over something that I think is one of the most important things in my life. Most of the time, though, I can separate and compartmentalize what I need to in order to function. Anyway, other positives... Just the feeling of being in control is a positive. (To me, anyway.) It just feels good to (maybe pretend) that your life is in order and things are okay.

But, oh, the negatives. They've been showing themselves in full force to me lately, and since I CAN'T control it, I really, really hate it. It has truly been a time of introspection and attempts at growth and challenges. New things are hard for me, and this is a new thing. Wanting to kinda delve into this, the "why" and the "do I want to change this" is a new thing. I can't control what will happen in a new situation or with new people. This makes it hard to trust people, because I can't control what they do with information I tell them and what if they hurt me and OMG - trusting someone is a total lack of control. My job - it's a little out of control right now. And even when it's not, trying to keep five people happy/employed/motivated and manage their stress and their caseloads and my area - it's sometimes exhausting. I can't just leave things alone, in any area of my life, but definitely at work. Things are happening in the lives of people I love dearly, horribly sad, unimaginable things - I have no control over those. Some people can just accept that - but a control freak, or at least my particular brand of control freak, feels helpless and desperate for an answer to try to fix things. And last, I've found that when you can't control your emotions, it becomes a cause for a slight/moderate/severe freak-out.

Moving on... if admitting you have a problem is the first step, I think I'm there. Where to go from here is the next question. I think I would like to "let go" of some of my control issues, but that's scary. So - I'm not making big, grand, general promises - only specific ones in situations that need it - but bear with me. Give me time to adapt. I've lived a long time as a control freak, and it's not something easily surrendered.

Before 30 Bucket List

Unlike some people I know (*cough*Devin Eccles*cough*) I don't believe 30 is ten years away from death, but there ARE some things I'd like to do before I start life in my 30s. I have 364 days to do those things... and here they are.

* See baseball games in at least two stadiums I've never been in. (A step toward my total bucket list goal of seeing a game at every stadium.)

* Travel to a city I've never visited.

* Take the kids on a vacation.

* Read at least 50 new-to-me books. (The counting starts today. I'm reading "Shine Shine Shine" by Lydia Netzer at the moment... and it's weird. I might have to back-burner this one to get started on this goal!)

* Write two blog posts per week, but will be happy with one.

* Find a meaningful, logistical way to volunteer my time/talents (I have no treasure!) to the community.

Soapbox

Please read this article before enjoying/hating my thoughts and opinions on the topic.

I am, as it turns out, "a millennial." I did not know that before reading this article, which I stumbled across on Facebook, posted by a sweet friend from high school.

I knew this before reading this article - cue step up onto the soapbox - right now, Christians are their own worst enemy. DC Talk knew this a long time ago, when they started the song "What If I Stumble" with the spoken intro, "The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and then walk out the door, denying Him by their lifestyle. And that is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

I knew this - that being a Christian is hard. Being someone in this generation is hard. Trying to reconcile those two things is really hard. We have memories of life before cell phones and computers, when things for most of us were really pretty simple - and that's not life now. My kids... well, Jax can work the iPad already. With all of this information and technology and just life being thrown at us, we want something tangible. Something real. Something that makes sense, but that we can question.

The problem, in my mind and I'm certain I'm not alone on this, based on the article and the research attached, is that something is missing. And what I keep coming back to is this - Christianity is a relationship. Not a book of rules. Not a band on stage or a dynamic preacher moving people to tears. Rules are necessary, yes. The music and the preaching, too. But nobody is talking about that. Yes, "having a relationship with Jesus" is talked about. But it's more than that. You can talk to Jesus, pray, listen all day long. You can read your Bible daily, go to a church service or meeting every night. And you can still look like everyone else on the outside.

What I want and need - and again, I can't be alone in this - is for Christians to take that relationship OUTSIDE of the church. Take what Jesus was about - that relationship - and apply it to the people you don't agree with, maybe don't like, those who worship differently, in a different church, or a different religion entirely. Taking "love your neighbor" and applying it to, say, people on welfare. People with addictions or mental health issues or a past you don't understand. 

I cannot possible say it better than the above article did (emphasis added by me):

What millennials really want from the church is not a change in style but a change in substance.

We want an end to the culture wars. We want a truce between science and faith. We want to be known for what we stand for, not what we are against.

We want to ask questions that don’t have predetermined answers.

We want churches that emphasize an allegiance to the kingdom of God over an allegiance to a single political party or a single nation.

We want our LGBT friends to feel truly welcome in our faith communities.

We want to be challenged to live lives of holiness, not only when it comes to sex, but also when it comes to living simply, caring for the poor and oppressed, pursuing reconciliation, engaging in creation care and becoming peacemakers.

It's not enough to have a great band, an energetic pastor, or friendly greeters... the church has to preach and teach how to connect with others... and help us find the answers to the questions we have. There has to be compassion, there has to be some wiggle room, there has to be a place for it to be acceptable to have friends who are different in any and every possible way. We need a place where loving Jesus can equal loving a church - because right now, for a lot of people I know personally, that is the problem - the people who make up the church make Jesus/religion/Christianity look really unappealing. There aren't enough people saying, "That's not my Christianity" and showing others what we believe Jesus is REALLY about. 

Step off soapbox. 

Missing You {Monday Ramble #2}

When I was in high school, I met Cortney at a FCA camp. We instantly became friends, then we stayed friends for years, even though we lived on opposite sides of the state and very, very rarely saw one another. We talked through MSN Messenger (seriously), email, texts, with the occasional random phone call thrown in when we had really big news. It was a friendship built on honesty... laughter... and brutal sharing of opinions. We could go weeks with very little contact and pick back up exactly where we left off. We could have hundreds of texts in a two day time span. It was just that type of friendship.

When we DID get together - random meetings in KC after doctors' appointments, her bachelorette party and wedding, a crazy spring break trip, my baby shower - we had TOO much fun. Cortney had a sense for adventure and knew about all the craziest places. We were never short on conversation.

I was in the hospital, when Raegan was born, when I found out Cortney was really sick. Her mom told me. I hadn't talked to her in a few days. Wondered why she hadn't answered my texts. I think she was excited about the baby - even though we had discussed how I was NEVER "pushing a watermelon through a hole the size of a grape" and how the only kids I was having would be as her surrogate. Then a few days later, her husband called to tell me they were removing her from life support...

Raegan was still a tiny, tiny newborn when Cortney passed away. I didn't get to go to her funeral. I've always thought funerals were more for those of us left living - and I think that's even more true after this. There's no closure. It took a long time to not pick up the phone and text her. Her number got transferred over to my new phones for the next two years... manually. I'm trying to make plans to go see her burial site.

So, friend... I miss you. I could use some brutal honesty right now and some sarcastic comments about everything in our lives. The last 3.5 years haven't been the same.